


Tell Tale Signs

by lotspot



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: A look into Jehan's not so fabby past, Abusive Relationship, Recovery, Self Harm, angst but not too bad, but also a look at the fact they got better!, but mentioned only in song its not described vividly dw, so like, this is based on a frank turner song, what a shocking turn of events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9566207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotspot/pseuds/lotspot
Summary: A recovering Jehan looks back and comes clean about their rough past.(based around the Frank Turner song 'Tell-Tale Signs')





	

**Author's Note:**

> OK. So there isn't even any shipping in this but I have always associated this song HEAVILY with Jehan and I couldn't just NOT write it. So yeah this is completely self indulgent rly bc I love Jehan a lot (also Jules and I are both writing painful Frank Turner based fics rn so YOUR MOVE JULES).
> 
> Jehan and R are NB
> 
> I use gender neutral pronouns for the person in Jehan's past and I don't ever refer to them by name bc people can come to their own conclusions. (The use of 'Amy' in the song can thus be seen as an arbitrary name Jehan has chosen to fill space)
> 
> Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgmgfDWfOd4
> 
> You are strong. Whatever you are going through you will get better. You deserve the best don't accept less.

 

Jehan stepped up onto the stage hesitantly, gaze focused on Grantaire who was precariously balanced on a stool plugging in their guitar. They look around the dark bar and grit their teeth before spotting the rest of their friends on the front row. Grantaire finally noticed Jehan and gave them a massive grin and a double thumbs up. Jehan bit back a smile as they felt their nerves deplete a little. They hesitantly stepped up to the microphone and began to speak.

“Um, hi. My name is Jehan. Some of you may recognise me from the poetry readings here but, um, I thought I’d try for something different. Grantaire asked me to collaborate on a song and so I guess… here I am? The singing thing is usually Grantaire’s thing but, like, they’re my words so apparently I have to sing them.”

Jehan glanced pointedly at Grantaire for a moment, earning themselves a smirk and an eye roll.

“This is scary for me. I think this is the most autobiographical piece I have ever performed. Um, yeah.  This is called ‘Tell Tale Signs’”

Jehan took a deep breath as Grantaire started playing the opening chords.

 

_Goddammit, Amy, we’re not kids anymore._

_You can’t just keep waltzing out of my life leaving clothes on the bedroom floor._

_Like nothing really matters_

_Like pain doesn’t hurt_

_You should mean more to me by now than just heartbreak in a short skirt._

Jehan’s mind flashes back to three years ago.

“You’re leaving again?”

Their tinkling laughter filled Jehan’s bedroom.

“Oh honey. We’ve been through this. The night is still young and the clubs are still open! Just because you are easy doesn’t mean I can’t switch it up a bit!”

Jehan felt tears well up behind their eyes but they angrily swallowed them back. They pulled the duvet covers up over their naked body, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious.

Jehan watched as they reapplied their lipstick in the smashed mirror on Jehan’s desk before slipping their skirt back on. Suddenly they whisked out of the room in a flurry of leather and dark hair and Jehan is left alone again. They slid back down under the duvet. Something poked irritatingly in their back. Hesitantly, they reached down and pulled it out. They weren’t even shocked to find it was a lace bra, they just threw it on the floor and sunk deeper into their bed.

 

_You kind of remind me of scars on my arms that I made when I was a kid_

_With a disassembled disposable razor I stole from my dad._

_When I thought that suffering was something profound_

_That weighed down on wise heads._

_Not just something to be avoided,_

_Something normal people dread._

Jehan subconsciously raised their hand to hold their forearm as they sang. They looked down to see their friends staring encouragingly up at them, if a little shell shocked. They noticed that Bahorel was squeezing Feuilly’s hand like his life depended on it. Jehan closed their eyes and continued to sing.

 

_Goddammit Amy, well of course I’ve changed._

_With all the things that I’ve done and the places I’ve been_

_I’d be a machine if I had stayed the same._

_You’re still back where we started_

_You haven’t changed at all_

_Yeah, you’re still trying to live like a kid_

_Like you could always have it all._

Two years ago

Jehan threw their suitcase onto the couch and grinned. They ran through their rooms greeting all their plants. They smelled their pillows and ran their hands across the curtains. A whole year was far too long to be away from their flat. It wasn’t as if they were particularly attached to the physical possessions but they made the flat feel like home. Comforting. The grin was still plastered on their face when there was a knock at the door.

Practically bouncing on their way they pulled the door open. The smile vanished.

They pushed passed Jehan without invitation.

“I heard you were back!”

Jehan closed the door quietly. “Here I am.”

They turned to look at Jehan for the first time and frowned. “Tattoos?”

Jehan puffed up defensively. “Yeah. I got one in every country I went to. My journey is on my arms now.”

They laughed cruelly before waving their hand dismissively. “Seems a bit impulsive? I never really liked tattoos but I guess…” They wrapped their hand around Jehan’s wrist and pulled them closer. “I can still give you your welcome home present” They kissed Jehan hungrily before Jehan ripped their wrist free and shoved them away.

“No. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not a child anymore. I’ve been gone a year and I’ve seen so much and the world is such a great place but you know what I discovered? My life is so much better when you aren’t in it.”

“But-“

“No! I’m finished. Oh my god I am so finished. I’m not your toy. I have friends who care about me. I’m in recovery for a lifetime of depression and I’m doing well! You were a terrible coping mechanism and this has gone on way too long. Please get out of my flat.”

“You’ve changed”

Jehan laughed. Honestly and loudly. “You fucking bet I have.”

 

_You know you kind of remind me of scars on my arms that I hid as best I could,_

_That I covered with ink, but in the right kind of light they still bleed through,_

_Showing that there are somethings I just cannot change_

_No matter what I do:_

_The tell-tale signs of being used,_

_Of being trapped inside of you._

In the bar you could hear a pin drop. Everyone had gone silent as Jehan rolled up his sleeves to reveal the beautiful variety of tattoos that twisted and danced all the way up their arms. They felt a tear escape as they sang but they just wiped it away and powered on.

 

_You’re a beautiful butterfly_

_Burned with a branding iron_

_Onto my outsides into my insides_

_As a simple sign:_

_To show off your ownership_

_Burned into my naked skin_

_Onto my outsides into my insides,_

Years of one night stands came flooding back to Jehan as they stood on stage. For the first time, they let them come. They channelled them. Years of being arm candy as they flirted their way to free drinks. Years of being told they were beautiful until the sex was over and they were reminded that all they were was an easy target. Years of believing that they were only ever beautiful if they made themselves easy. Years of believing that what they had was love. Years of believing this was all the love they could get. Years of razor blades because they believed this was all the love they deserved.

All of this usually hit Jehan like a brick wall but on that stage they let it hit them like a wave. When they passed through it they emerged on the other side gasping for air. But they felt alive. The next line came out so angrily it even took them by surprise.

 

_It’s not even love anymore,_

_Just a claim upon my soul._

_It stains my skin, yeah it’s on my breath_

_And I’m ashamed to get undressed in front of strangers in case they see_

_The tell-tale signs you have left all over me._

Jehan took a deep breath.

 

_Goddammit Amy._

Their voice cracked slightly and the sentence came out whispered. They straightened their back and opened their eyes. They stared at the back wall of the bar. They pictured them standing there.

 

_You’ll always remind me of scars on my arms that I know will never fade._

_And it’s not like it’s something I think about each and every day -_

_I just occasionally catch myself scratching at them,_

_As if they’ll ever go away._

_But these tell-tale signs are here to stay,_

_And in the end, you know, that’s ok._

_You will always be a part of my patched up, patchwork, taped up, tape deck heart._

 

There was a silence in the room as the last chord faded out before a thunderous applause.

Jehan took a shaky breath in and wiped another tear from their face. R put down their guitar and engulfed them in the biggest bear hug. They stood there hugging for a minute while the applause carried on. Eventually it died down and people went back about their business. R led Jehan off stage.

“Are you ok?”

Jehan looked up at them and smiled, “I’m fine R, god you never stop worrying do you? It’s a miracle you didn’t fuck up the chords.”

R laughed but they looked relieved. “I’m glad. You KILLED it out there.” They nudged Jehan in the ribs causing them to blush and laugh.

They linked arms and walked out into the bar where they were bombarded by the rest of their friends. Jehan screamed as Bahorel sprinted over first and picked them up spinning them through the air.

Once they were back on the ground everyone else bombarded them with hugs and compliments.

When the initial excitement died down Bahorel announced he was buying them a round of drinks and they all headed to the bar. Enjolras grabbed Jehan’s arm and held them back.

“Jehan… I don’t think I say this enough but I want you to know how proud I am of you. I know that I don’t always hang out with you guys enough and I can be forgetful,”

Jehan frowned, confused. Enjolras had literally never forgotten anyone’s birthday, ever. For some inexplicable reason Enjolras had made sure to know everyone’s eye colour because apparently not enough people know this about their friends. Enjolras carried on before Jehan could interrupt.

“I wasn’t always there for you when you needed it. I am so proud of you. I think you are one of the bravest people I know and I look up to you so much.”

Jehan’s heart melted. They threw their arms around Enjolras’ neck. “I love you too Enj.” They took a daisy from where it was intertwined in their braid. They placed it behind Enjolras’ ear. “I look up to you too. I’m so lucky to have every single one of you in my life.”

Their eyes flickered back to the bar where Bossuet and R were handing out drinks to everyone. Eponine waved them over and they smiled.

Enjolras gave Eponine a thumbs up before turning back to Jehan.

“Are you ok?”

It was the second time in the space of five minutes Jehan had been asked this question but instead of brushing it off they thought for a second. Then slowly they smiled.

“You know what, Enj? I think I actually might be.”

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on tumblr!
> 
> probably-pride-related
> 
> xxxxx


End file.
